By Dr. Stephanie Buehler
Did you know that on average, couples wait seven years before they contact a therapist for help with their relationship? Sometimes, when the problem is sex, couples wait even longer. Imagine being married 10 years without having consummated your marriage. Or waiting 16 years to tell your partner that you've never had an orgasm, that you've been pretending all that time? What about struggling with a lifetime of problems with erectile function?
Can it ever be too late? Unfortunately, yes. Some couples wait so long that one partner is already about to walk out the door. The other will say, wait, let's go to counseling. They enter my office, one motivated, one dejected. If the dejected partner can't be motivated, if they feel as if they've already tried everything imaginable, or if they are so angry and disgusted that they just don't care any more, yes, it can be too late. And I have to say, those are the saddest cases that I see in my office.
I can't say that every marriage like this could have been saved if they had come in sooner; that would be unrealistic. But what I can say is that the likelihood that the marriage might have endured is increased when there have been fewer years of damage to undo.
How do you know when it's time to make a call to a sex or couples therapist? Here are some reasons to call:
• You continually have the same fight about the same topic without any resolution.
• The problem is one that has long roots back into early adulthood or childhood, and you've never gotten help for it.
• You don't talk about the problem, but there is a lot of tension in the relationship.
• You feel unhappy or dissatisfied with your relationship most days.
• You worry that your partner has a mental illness such as depression or bipolar disorder.
• You bicker constantly.
• You dread spending time alone with your partner.
• You fantasize about being single again.
• You've contemplated having an affair, or you've had or are involved in an affair.
• You have an unusual problem and don't know where to turn.
There are times when taking a wait-and-see approach makes sense. If you've had a major argument or your partner's behavior has disappointed you, then time may heal the problem. Or if you agree to make and implement a change, you may want to have a reasonable time line, such as 6 months, to see if you can remedy things on your own.
Seeing a therapist may be problematic, I know. Admitting that you have a problem that you haven't been able to solve, letting someone--a stranger--see you at your worst, and trusting someone is going to give you good value for your money all make going to therapy a tough call.
But consider the alternatives: Years of arguing, emotional pain, and despair. Separation or divorce. The loss of dreams and potential as a couple.
Of course, there is no promise that even if you do contact a therapist sooner rather than later your marriage or relationship will endure. Sometimes partners hide their motive for coming to therapy, such as making sure that there is someone (the therapist) to take care of their partner if they choose to leave. Or, they come in so that they can say, "We tried therapy and it just didn't work out." But for most couples, seeing a therapist is the key to staying together--especially if they call before it's too late.
Want to learn more about marriage and sexuality? Dr. Stephanie Buehler is an internationally recognized psychologist and sex therapist, author, and speaker. She is also the Director of The Buehler Institute in Orange County, CA. If you visit http://www.thebuehlerinstitute.com/article-sexual-pain.htm Sex Therapy Orange County today, you can sign up and instantly download her e-book, Sexual Discoveries: 25 Secrets for Incredible Sex.
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